The London Paper – 2 June 2008
I’ve only gone and done it haven’t I? I’ve called it a day, knocked it on the head, sung my last hurrah. I’VE QUIT MY EFFING JOB! Perceptive readers may have correctly ascertained that it’s been a long time coming. I simply couldn’t stand for one moment longer the incessant hideous crap that being a stockbroker entails. I’ve been wasting my precious time for far too long working my sweet arse off in a rat race with no end in sight. I may have become a big swinging dick in the process but by definition that necessitated me becoming a dick!
Quitting a City job is never a barrel of laughs and when you’re an INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL broker like myself those comedians who run your life try every trick in the book to prevent you joining a competitor. The psychological gambits these jokers use to change your mind always reminded me of the five stages of grief that a terminally ill patient apparently goes through on being told they’re not long for this world. However, instead of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance when I’ve moved banks previously I’ve generally had to endure:
1. Emotional blackmail: ‘But we trained you up.’
2. Angry threats: ‘We’ll make your name mud, mofo.’
3. Financial bargaining: ‘We’ll match their offer.’
4. Demeaning the new job: ‘Your new bank’s pony’
5. Acceptance: ‘Alright, piss off then’
However, this time was different because I ain’t going to another bank. Oh no, I’M RETIRING! The simple reaction this got was one of dumb-founded incredulity. Colleagues and bosses alike couldn’t believe that I was giving up my highly lucrative career when I’m at the top of my game just because I want spend my few years left on this sorry planet doing something slightly more fulfilling than pointlessly pushing around bits of paper. Even my mates have told me I’m a mug who will regret this move. I say “sod ‘em all!”.
A few clowns at the office said I’ll come crawling back with my tail between my legs but what they don’t realise is that I’ve well and truly burnt all my bridges. I’ve just written a book ‘Cityboy’ blowing the lid on the evil goings on in the City and it’s out on 26th June (why not pre-order it on Amazon now!). There’s stuff in that book that should really put the cat amongst the pigeons and if that doesn’t prevent me from ever being welcome back as a stockbroker then they’re even bigger mugs than I thought! Just watch this space – who I am and what my mission will be revealed on the 18th June in this paper.
The biggest regrets I’ve ever had in my sordid, little life are things I didn’t do, not the things I did do. I want to get out there and start living. And surely, if I can leave my outrageously well-paid job to follow my dream then you can too. Come on, join me – give up the rat race and grab this precious life by the short and curlies!