The London Paper – 18 July 2008
‘She’s jailbait and I can’t wait’. When Motorhead’s wart-infested lead singer Lemmy sung those immortal lines he alluded to one of the few basic truths that I would never dare dispute. Most creative endeavours that result in some form of celebrity – be it becoming a rock star, a TV celeb or writing a book – are basically undertaken by men in order to pull more birds. As Jimmy Carl Black, the ever-philosophical member of Frank Zappa’s group, said ‘How are you gonna get laid if you don’t play rock & roll?’
Whilst my book ‘Cityboy’ ain’t exactly the same as getting up in front of 100’s of screaming chicks and revealing my class by wearing tight latex trousers it does seem to be having a similar effect on the ladeez. Because my email address is at the back of my book (theoretically so I can receive interesting comments regarding the concepts I raise, but obviously for my own evil purposes) I am being sent messages and photos from females I’ve never met asking me to do unusual things to them involving whipped cream. Forward women have also been coming up to me at book signings and pushing their mobile phone numbers into my hands whilst winking somewhat suggestively. I even noticed a higher level of female interest than I’m used to at a four day party last weekend … and that’s really saying something!
Cynics amongst us may claim that this change in my popularity is simply because the book continually reiterates how much cash I’ve got whilst also conning the reader into thinking that I’m a caring, sharing sort of guy with a good heart and a half decent sense of humour. Of course, they are absolutely correct. One journalist said to me that ‘Cityboy’ was the ‘longest love letter in history’ – though whether he meant to all the single women out there or to myself I don’t know. I hate to say it but he may have a point. In other words, my book’s theoretically profound underlying message that unfettered capitalism, if left unchecked, will turn the world into a truly horrific place is just a ruse to get my rocks off! What a dreadful business!
Anyway, because of my new-found popularity with the lasses my male pals have been saying to a man that this is definitely the wrong time to be getting it together with a girl and ending my 2½ years of hedonistic singledom. Unfortunately, the big stockbroker in the sky has just played some cruel trick on me and I have met someone who could just possibly be a ‘stayer’. Now, when I was a City analyst my ‘market timing’ was renowned for being pretty damn good. Indeed, I won ‘stock picker of the year award’ two years running. Unfortunately, recent events suggest that when it comes to real life ‘market timing’ is something I, and everyone else, is less in control of!