The London Paper – 25 July 2008
‘Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser’ – I’ve never agreed more with any of the late Richard Nixon’s tremendously wise thoughts about life and, let me tell you, that’s really saying something! I’m afraid to say that my book ‘Cityboy’ is now falling down the best-seller list and I simply ain’t a happy camper. Two weeks ago, it was a number three bestseller (in the hardback non-fiction category) and last week it was number five. It looks clear that I have once again peaked too early – which half the girls in West London will tell you has always been something of an issue with me. Indeed, my view that ‘there are no prizes for coming second’ applies equally to my sordid little love life as it does to my attitude to competing about absolutely anything humanly possible that this sick planet has to offer.
Anyway, as I was ruminating on my singular failure to hit the top spot at a friend’s gaff in Kensal Rise two weeks ago I was rung by Michael – a former client of mine. He congratulated me on my book’s number three position and said jokingly – ‘you should write a number one pop song now.’ I laughed out loud and mentioned it to the ladies in the room, one of whom said deadly seriously ‘you know, that ain’t such a bad idea.’ Before you can say ‘the world’s gone mad’ my mate Big Al has written a proper tune and the bird what does my website, Sophie, has directed a hilarious video for it (type words ‘the cityboy song’ into youtube to check it out). To give you an indication of what the song’s about, here is the chorus:
‘I’m just a Cityboy
another loaded pretty boy
Colombian export in my brain
I’m off my face again’
I think you get the picture.
In truth, my real motivation for releasing this track is because I’m properly narked off with those jokers Westlife whose pony memoir is the reason I didn’t attain the number one slot (… as well as Jordon’s admittedly). So, I thought this: you warbling leprechauns – you’ve beaten me, theoretically an author, at the writing game. So be it. You’ll rue the day my little Irish friends because you’re messing around with the wrong author! You may be Westlife but I’m West London! It’s payback time and I’m gonna whup your sorry arses at your own game. So everyone, please go on my website and buy this tune – and if satisfying my vast pulsating ego is insufficient motivation to do so then do it because all my net proceeds from this song will be donated to Shelter (the homeless charity.)
I’m afraid that I am, and seemingly always will be, a competitive tosser. It’s pretty damn clear that you can take the boyo out of the City but you simply cannot take the City out of the boyo.