The London Paper – 12 Sept 2008
I don’t know what kind of sick joke God is playing on me but I have had quite enough of this non-stop hideous weather. I didn’t retire from the City earlier this year so that I could have the pleasure of sitting around on my arse squeezing blackheads whilst looking out the window at the constant grey drizzle that we’ve all had to endure during what is supposed to be our ‘summer’.
When I knocked my job on the head, I had dreamy visions of laughing gaily on a balmy August day in Kensington Gardens, eating Scotch eggs and drinking Prosecco with various ‘ladies of leisure’. Or popping the Moet on Parliament Hill on a sunny Tuesday afternoon watching The City glittering on the sky-line thinking about all you suits stuck in your offices. Instead, now that my jaunts abroad are over, I’m stuck indoors watching daytime TV. I’ve often wondered what Hell would entail but I can tell you that it can’t be much worse than sitting around enduring Jeremy Kyle doing his damndest to freak the bejeezus out of any poor schmuck dumb enough to appear on his disgusting programme. It’s like a waking nightmare and the alarm just ain’t going off!
Maybe all you office workers out there were like me when I used to be in the rat race. Every time the sun put his hat on we envied those characters we saw out the window lounging around, reading newspapers and looking irritatingly relaxed whilst we slaved away. You know the types, the ones with their tops off in the park, who clearly had more than a paltry hour’s lunch break in which to do their sunbathing. The ones who made you question why you were the saddo heading back to your desk at 2pm. “Don’t you have a job to go to???” I’d want to scream at the annoying gits, but I also wanted to be one. And now I am! But thanks to the weather, I haven’t even had one opportunity to evoke that kind of jealousy and it’s already nearly mid September. Instead, you can all sit back in your ergonomically designed office chairs with gleeful self-satisfaction watching the rain come down, knowing that precisely no one (bar a few cider drinking drunks) is getting gently sozzled in the park while you work.
Word on the street is that the bad weather is some nonsense to do with the lunar cycle and that we all face one more dodgy summer next year. I’ve always hated making predictions (especially ones about the future) but if this pessimistic forecast proves true then I may have to implement ‘Plan X’ – the wholesale abandonment of this rain-soaked island until 2010. Meanwhile all you people going to work may as well be thankful that the weather has been so bad – because at least you haven’t had to encounter me with my top off in the park.